Blog post 5: Nice guy syndrome

I am sure most of us know at least a "nice guy". You know, the overly sensitive men who thinks that women wants "only" to date jerk and assholes-kind-of-men and just wants to be friends with Mr. Nice guy.

But for some reason, What is a nice guy? Okay, abadgaemof Reddit.com wrote a brief introduction about it on her thread called, "Nice Guy Syndrome: What it is and why you should kill it with fire"

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

Seriously, all we can hear from them is all their whining why they can't have a date. They believe that they can't have one because, they are too nice. " Nice guys finish last."  That's a common aphorism developed about nice guys. 

Jeff Fecke of Shakesville.com explained Nice Guy Syndrome on his article, "Explainer: What is a Nice Guy?" 

"All right. Seriously. A Nice Guy is a guy who tells you, in a bitter, resentful tone, that women don't date "nice guys," they only date "bad boys," and because he's "too nice," women only view him as a friend."

That's so bullshit right? It sounded like they are indicating that women who doesn't want to bang them are whores, bitches or sluts. I read somewhere that the real truth of that matter is that  there are genuinely caring, compassionate, decent, fun guys out there who have NO TROUBLE meeting people, getting dates, and having relationships. Unfortunately, many of the guys who DO have trouble, insist that women don't want them because they are "too Nice". People who call themselves "Nice Guys" are actually the one with the problems but doesn't see it because he believes that he is "too nice".

Just so you know, the men who have "Nice guy syndrome" are not really nice. 

Sarah Moon on hear article "Continued Thoughts on Nice Guy Syndrome" explains why:

First, Being “nice” just to get something isn’t really nice. He will rush to her side when she’s sad, listen to her problems, and let her cry on his shoulder.But when she starts dating someone else, what happens? The man will start to complain about being stuck in the “friend zone.” He may even become hostile, referring to her as a bitch, or a whore, or more likely he will insult her intelligence, calling her an idiot for not picking him. Second, Objectifying women isn’t really nice: Men with Nice Guy Syndrome act as if the world is a vending machine that trades niceness for women. If they are nice and don’t end up with a woman, they feel that they have been cheated. Invalidating a woman’s choice isn’t really nice: A man with Nice Guy Syndrome is quick to judge any other man that his love interest starts dating. He will become skeptical and over-protective. He will speedily label the other man a jerk, and will tell his friends that the girl is stupid for dating him.

See, they are not so nice at all. They are just manipulating people on how we see them. But the real truth is, they are the one with the problems. They are the jerk and the assholes. What kind of men will judge a women if they don't like him back? What kind of men will judge another competitor just because the women didn't chose him instead? 

If you call a woman a bitch, a slut, ugly, or other nasty insults because she doesn’t want you, you are not nice. It makes you a fucking asshole. If you’re only nice to a woman because you want to get inside her pants, you are not nice. And if you whine about constantly being Friend Zoned, it’s probably because you are not nice. End of story.

Blog post 4: Stalk-urgggggghhhhh!!

People have different reaction when they've been rejected. Some are just cool with it and some would take it to the extreme level . They tend to be obsessive and desperate. It can count as harassment and intimidation because of invasion of someone's privacy. Monitoring and following the victims are included. This is called Stalking.

Ok, I admit, I have stalker tendencies but not on the extreme type, tho. There's this boy in my former school and I found him attractive. I think I developed a crush on him so I asked our mutual friend for his number. I texted him after 2 weeks and gladly, he replied. That was the start of the story. However, he didn't know who I am. Since I have a crush on him, I've added him as a friend on facebook and browsed some of his statuses, photos,etc. I always check his account and sometimes asks his friend about him. There's some time when he gets confused because I have some information that I shouldn't know about. I think he get the creeps because of me.

What is Stalking?

Stalking is when a person repeatedly watches, follows or harasses you, making you feel afraid or unsafe. A stalker can be someone you know, a past boyfriend or girlfriend or a stranger. 

Stalking is illegal. However, I read somewhere that there is a place where stalking is legal. Such as taking information,calling someone on the phone, sending gifts, emailing . They only become illegal when they breach the legal definition of harassment. Stalkers also may use threats and violence to frighten their victims. 

According to "The Dutch Approach to Stalking Laws" by Lamber Royakkers:

"Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom they have no relationship (or no longer have). Moreover, the separated acts that make up the intrusion cannot by themselves cause the mental abuse, but do taken together (cumulative effect)."

Stalking has a bad impact on the victims. They can be assaulted in many ways and this may cause disruption on their lives just to get away from the stalker. They may feel paranoid every time because they are concern in their health and security. Victims don't have a privacy and a private life anymore because of the stalker's activities. 

Scientists categorize two types of Stalkers: psychotic and nonpsychotic. Stalkers may have pre-existing psychotic disorders such as delusional disorder, schizoaffective disorder, or schizophrenia. Most stalkers are nonpsychotic and may exhibit disorders or neuroses such as major depression, adjustment disorder, or substance dependence. Some of the symptoms of "obsessing" over a person is part of obsessive compulsive personality disorder.

 According to "Stalking Crime: Types of Stalkers" by Tami Port, there are different types of Stalker.

First, is The Rejected Suitor. Rejected stalking arises in  breakdown of a close relationship. Victims are usually former sexual intimates, family members, close friends, or others with a very close relationship to the stalker. Second type, is the Resentful Stalker.Resentful stalking arises when the stalker feels as though they have been mistreated or that they are the victim of some form of injustice or humiliation. Third example, is Intimacy Seeking. Stalking arises out of a context of loneliness and a lack of a close confidante. The victims are usually a stranger or acquaintances. Last, is the Predatory Stalker. This type derives pleasure from gathering information about the target and fantasizing about the assault.

"It's not a joke. It's not romantic. It's not OK. Stop being a stalker"

Stalking is not a joke because it can destroy a victim's life. You can do it just by gathering information, just don't over do it and make sure that you'll not step on the lines. You should be responsible for your actions. It will not make you romantic, It will make you look creepy. Like me. Haha.

Blog post 3: Erotomania: A Crush Gone too far.

When we found someone attractive, we build a foundation. It's called crush. When we have a crush, we like to think about them often, get to know them better and mostly, have a relationship with them. The person you have a crush on could be attracted to you also. Or if not, the feelings will start to crumble and eat you alive. 

But... What happens when you let your crush overpower your emotion and your mind? What will happen when you let it go too far?

Some says, It may lead to Erotomania.

But, what is Erotomania? 

Erotomania is a type of delusion in which the affected person believes that another person, usually a stranger or famous person, is in love with him or her. 

The target is often a celebrity, politician, or other high-status person, but people with erotomania may also develop feelings on random strangers and acquaintances. Erotomania has also been termed de Clerambault’s syndrome, after the French psychiatrist who identified the behavior.

According to the article "Erotomania: When heart defies reason" , by David Beme, A scientist named Dr. Benoit Dalle said that: “Erotomaniacs are firmly convinced that the person they love does everything they can to hide their passion, with the help of the people around them. Their fevered imagination allows them to construe anything the least bit unusual as a confirmation of what they believe is true.”

The erotomanic stalker interprets everything you do coded messages, confessing to and conveying your eternal devotion to him and to your "relationship". Erotomaniacs can be called a stalker too. To show his interest, he keeps on texting, calling, e-mailing, or even talking to your friends, family or co-workers.The erotomaniac usually decides for your financial, legal and emotional decision without your proper consent and knowledge. They intrudes your privacy and does not give a damn about your opinion or feelings because they believe that you are in love with them so they feel free on what they're doing. 

I read somewhere that Erotomania mostly affects woman in middle-age. It has also been considered to be obsessive compulsive disorder. It is very different from Nymphomania, a very strong desire for sex. Erotomania is not about sexual desire. It is about desire for a relationship and affection. 

According to the article, "Erotomania" by American Psychological Association, The primary symptom of erotomania is an unassailable belief that another person is in love with you. Common behaviors associated with erotomania include: One, You believe that your target is sending out secret messages to you. Two, If you feel like you're obsessed with him/her and you enjoy stalking, letter-writing and others just to make a contact. Three, The belief that the target is in love with the person despite all evidence to the contrary. If the target takes out a restraining order, the person with erotomania might believe this is a secret message encouraging him or her to pursue even more forcefully.

Erotomania is a very dangerous type of psychological disorder.An Erotomanic will go to extremes in order to get what they want. There are cases when an Eretomanic became vindictive just to revenge themselves. Just a piece of advice, be aware of people around you.

Blog post 2: Oooopssss....He's Out of my League

I don't know why I always fall for someone who doesn't like me. Maybe because I'm not that attractive to them, not too smart for them or maybe they're just out of my league. 

I swear, I always tend to fall for someone who doesn't give a fuck about me. There's this guy from my high school. I liked him since our freshman year and developed into love throughout the time. He knew that I liked him from the start because my friends told him. For me, He's really perfect. He is really good at basketball, he's handsome and has a strong sex appeal. He is also good at dancing. Everybody adores this guy. But..... what about me? a.k.a Ms. Plain-Jane? I admit, I'm not that attractive. I am friendly and I am very jolly. But, I am not good in sports. We have no common interest and characteristics. I'm here at the bottom and he's unreachable. And He's way too Out of my League.

But, What is the meaning of the term "Out of my League"?

You say he/she is out of your league when they are too good looking or too cool for you. It also simply means that they couldn't be interested in you because you're too plain compared to them.

However, Mark Manson, Author of the article "Dating Someone out of your league" in Postmasculine, have some good news and bad news for you. The bad news is that it’s impossible to ever date someone “out of your league.” But the good news is that your league is determined by much more than your looks, your car or your wallet.

He said that "It is impossible to date someone out of your league. Because whomever you end up dating, you're dating them because you perceive each other to be mutually attractive." 


In his recent research, He studied that women may found physical unattractive doctors to be as debatable as very attractive school teachers. His conclusion is that social status and power can compensate for physical looks. In fact, both have genetic value and therefore have been evolutionary selected for attraction.

The couple should have an even trade.  But how? By valuing different traits in one another. She would value your intelligence and compassion however, you value her looks and sensitivity.

The trade off can also be abstract: money, religion, free meals, sex, etc. These are the following being valued of the relationship. The main concept is, even if you lack something, like in physical appearance or intelligence, you need to impress the other party. You need to bring something to the table.

Okay, this may sound terrible and cold, but in each relationship, The two party is judging each other's attractiveness, nevertheless, falls down in one question. "What can he/she do for me?" And this question cause us to fall selflessly in love.

Okay, At the picture above, We can see that the woman is pretty hot  right? She got the looks and a body to die for. But, how about the man? he may be old, he may be not that good-looking but he got loads of money right? So, there is a trade-off. The man is attracted to the looks of the woman but the woman is attracted to his wealth.

However, If you don't believe in Mark Manson's article, These are tips on How to date women out of your league by Ron Louis & David Copeland on the article entitled "How can I date women out of my league?"

First step, is you must Upgrade your looks. He said that most men who are dating women that are not that attractive decides to set their style into stone and haven't upgraded their look since then. So, their haircuts and clothes becomes out-of-date and no hot women wants to bed a men who's out-of-date. Second, is Upgrade your behavior. He said that a hot woman is attracted to a guy who is able to have fun and who seems to enjoy his life. Last, Upgrade your standards. He said that an important part of going for the women you want is refusing to go for the women you don't want. This means that, from now on, you only bang girls you are attracted to.

We surely have different opinion about this topic. Some may believe Mark Manson and others don't. But for me, I guess nobody really dates someone out of their league. You're dating because you are trading something. Dating is not based on your physical appearance. Who knows? the other is very successful and wealthy. Just because you can’t see the value the guy is bringing to the table doesn't mean it’s not there.

Blog post 1: Pain of Unrequited love afflicts the Rejecter, too.

         Rest assured, every people in this world had suffer from a heartbreak at least one point in their life. Whether the feelings were never reciprocated, or whether they liked each other mutually before finally fading. Everybody surely knows what Unrequited love feels like.

         Unrequited love is one of the most distressing feelings in the world. We love somebody so bad, we're willing to give them everything but they don't reciprocate the feeling. Even if it hurts us so bad, we aren't capable to just forget and throw away that feeling because deep inside, we're hoping and dreaming that they will learn to love us back and change their minds. We are so obsessed and bewitched by them that we do not notice they've eaten up all those freaking years of our lives. We give them all that we've got and they leave us nothing but heart ache.Our life starts to revolve around this one person and with every day that passes, we only feel more miserable and hopeless.

        Pretty miserable right?  That’s why it’s been one of the great themes of drama and literature. Poets have been writing about the inner thoughts and viewpoints of the lover. That’s why we easily empathize on the poor pursuer. But, how about  the rejecter? Nobody cared about the pursued one! He’s been ignored all along right? That’s until the 1990s when psychologists, Roy Baumeister and Sara Wotman  published the book "Breaking Hearts: The Two Sides of Unrequited Love."

           "We rarely hear about the agony of those who are the target of an unwanted love," said Dr. Roy Baumeister, a psychologist at Case Western Reserve University. "Literature and film almost always tell the story from the viewpoint of the rejected lover. But both rejecters and would-be lovers can end up feeling like victims."

                According to them, they found a very interesting trend. They found out that there is pain on both side of the party and, surprisingly, the rejecter often suffers just much as the rejected. So, all along rejecters also experience and go through an emotional pain. They feel guilty and pained by their own inability to return the other's love. It also said that  frustration, anger, anxiety, or guilt were mentioned about a third more often in the accounts told by those rejecters than in those whose been jilted. It's sometimes not noticed by the pursuers because after the big revelation, the lovers are preoccupied by themselves.  In addition to that, despite their rejection, most pursuers said they still care and compassionate for those who had thrown away their love.

            Moreover, the incapability of the pursued one to tell the lover that there is no hope and chance is also really common. The pursuer feels guilty and doesn't know how to refuse the lover without hurting him. 

           Being rejected by your loved one is really painful. Every people has different ways to handle the situation. Others would stay on the make-believe world that they built. Others would take that as a challenge and make the situation a motivation to defeat all odds. Some would still  stay hopeful. The mere possibility that the person they love might one day love them back keeps their attraction alive. However, some people even decides to took their own life to stop the pain they're feeling in their guts. 

            If you think you are in this situation, try reading Judy McGuire's article on "How to get over Love in Ten easy steps" 

             According to her article, One must have the courage and tell them how how he feels in order for him to know if his love is actually unrequited. If so, the first step is to accept acceptance. He needs to know he can’t make the other person fall in love with him. Second step is, he should quit making excuses. It is pretty normal that if you like someone, you'll do crazy things just to get noticed by them and to bask in their presence. Third, is to avoid the object of his affection. This can get really difficult if she's the one you see everyday, but you need to put distance between you two. So.. that is the top 3 steps on hear article. If you want to see the other steps, try going on her website.

             I know, Moving on is not really easy. You need to dedicate your whole self for the success of it.  Memories would just randomly pop into your mind, tempting you and making you change your mind. But think of it, after all those hardships that you would encounter, you will be happy and free. It will allow you to reconnect with yourself and eventually with someone who will truly appreciate you and your efforts. It's not easy, but you need to do it for your sake. Just a simple advice, If you know that the feeling is not mutual from the start, expect that you'll be hurt and learn to stop the feeling immediately so you can't be drowned into your tears later on.

Sources:
Nytimes.com
Idiotsguides.com